Goodbye, Cruel World

Things never seem to get any better, so I've decided to end it all.

I feel bad about letting down Neurocam - the only people who have ever made me feel like I had any value - but not having heard from them in over six months, I don't think they'll miss me too much.

Thanks to everyone who said nice things to me via this blog - although I know you were only doing it to try and make me feel good about myself, so that when you knocked me down again it would hurt more.

I don't know why the world is so unkind, but I can't take it any more.

Nobody loves me.

Well, they don't.

I wish I was dead.

Unfortunately Neurocam's almost fascistically efficient Human Resources Security Division were canny enough to remove any objects which might potentially be used for self-harm before sealing me up in here.

I suppose it's time for another post.

I notice Xul has been commenting a bit on a few peoples' blogs lately and this has inspired me to update mine. I was also much encouraged by Cheshire Cat's request for more entries in the comments thread on my first post. Indeed it moved me to tears.

I often get so depressed that I am unable to move for days at a time, so you can well imagine I find it hard to muster the energy to undertake such an endeavour. It's taken me three and a half hours just to get this far. But if there is any chance it may bring some small pleasure to others, I am more than happy to comply.

I know the pain of a life entirely devoid of pleasure.

Not a lot has been happening in my tiny underground bunker, but the neuroblogosphere seems to be jumping again after a fairly sluggish period. And my sources (well, my source) informs me that things are hotting up behind the scenes as well.

What else? I have been deriving no small amount of amusement from the devastatingly arch and icequeenly blog stylings of Def. This young woman seems to have a uniquely bleak and bitter outlook - not to mention a strong streak of cruelty, which is always good. I was delighted to hear that she has completed her university term, and saddened to witness her apparent caffeine-related death.

I think about her often. Indeed, although I know it is vain and foolish, I sometimes fantasise about her coming to visit me.

Since I know full well that this will never happen (no one ever visits me - I'm not even sure there's any way for people to get in anymore.. I certainly can't get out) I see no harm in these pleasant daydreams. Or night dreams.

Day, night. It's all the same down here.

Goodbye Xul

Saddened I was today to learn of the retirement of XulSolar23. His colourful adventures and juicy neurogossip have provided me with much entertainment during my long lonely stint as manager of Neurocam's subterranian operations here in icy Vostok.